Sunday, January 9, 2011

We miss...

I miss having to keep the dishwasher closed or it would get unloaded onto the ground. I miss snuggling and squeezing and kissing Andrew all of the time. I miss his chubby little hands holding mine. I miss his smile that he would freely give. I miss crayons thrown across the room. I miss Andrew sitting right on top of Travis' puzzle. I miss the kisses he would give Jared. I miss him crawling after Tanner into his room to play with him. I miss asking Aubree to put Andrew down. I miss Andrew pointing at everything around him that he wanted to touch. I miss his "talking" and saying "mama" and "dada." I miss having to pick little things off the ground. I miss buying tons of yogurt, bananas, and eggs. I miss feeding Andrew food and having him bite on the spoon with every bite and getting the biggest grin. I miss Andrew's deep belly laugh (he was so ticklish). I miss seeing Eric sit and hold Andrew on his lap, so content. I miss using a high chair and sippy cups.
I can't believe it has been almost three weeks. I never want to forget anything about Andrew (the picture above is a face Andrew would always do that we LOVED).
I am so thankful to have had such a perfect boy in our family and home. He has forever changed me. I am so grateful for the knowledge we have that I know I will see Andrew again. I am so excited for that day that I get to hug him again.
Most of theses pictures are from the day of Andrew's funeral.
A lady from my parents ward made us an awesome blanket.
Our Dad's were the pall bearers.
The UW dental school sent the flowers above. People have been so kind. It is really humbling to be receiving so much love and generosity from people (even people we don't know). This week Eric's dental school class bought a parking pass for our family, so we can visit Eric at school. It will be really nice to be able to see Eric more often. This week seemed pretty long. It is really weird trying to move on with life. We have had our good and bad times, but we have pictures of Andrew all around our house, and it helps me remember he is OK. The pictures remind me what is important and what I'm striving for.
We had the amazing opportunity of meeting and spending time with Andrew's birth mom this weekend. She is so great; she is my hero. When I saw her, I could see so much resemblance of Andrew in her face. Her eyes were so much like Andrew's. Eric and I both felt like we had already known her. She is so special to us. Because of her, we had an angel boy in our home. She is so unselfish and loves Andrew so much that she blessed him with a dad. She has two kids, and they reminded me so much of Andrew. Eric and I both wanted to keep hugging her little boy that reminded us so much of Andrew. She shared with us a lot of her experiences and how she chose adoption and our family (I am going to dedicate this story to its own upcoming post).

I was really comforted to know how obvious the Lord's hand was in guiding Andrew to our family. How grateful I am that Heavenly Father trusted Eric and I with that amazing blessing of being his parents for those 14 months. Andrew is such a special boy.
A lady in my parents ward supplied us with balloons that we sent up to Andrew. It was cool for Aubree and Tanner to think they were sending the balloons to Andrew. Travis didn't want to let go of his, and we still have it.
The coffin Andrew was buried in came with a little teddy bear that has become Tanner's. He sleeps with it every night. The kids each have their own "Andrew stuffed animal" that they sleep with and snuggle with when they miss Andrew.
Aubree says the best prayers now. She has such a mature understanding of the importance of the Temple and being sealed there. Aubree always prays for Andrew and prays for us that we can have his love in our home. She sure misses her little brother.
We are so thankful for Andrew!
Somedays, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my arms full of this boy. I'll admit, he hasn't been put down that much in the last three weeks.


Anonymous said...

You seem like an amazing mom. I have lost a brother and a sister and it is really hard. Good luck in these next few months. Life can be really hard at times and it is hard to always see things from an eternal perspective.

I was six when my sister died from a heart defect and I have always been grateful that my parents were able to continue on and take care of the 4 children they still had. I was able to grow up with the knowledge that death was a hard and sad part of life, but that it was okay. I worry that I too may experience loosing a child and know that it would be the hardest thing I would ever go through.

"Remember you can do hard things." A blog that has reminded me of my feelings after the most recent loss of my brother is . . . I don't feel quite so alone in my feelings when I realize that others are feeling the same way.

tara said...

Jen that song Sara wrote is so beautiful. I love how strong your family is and how much love you all have for each other. What a neat experience to meet Andrew's birth mom. We love you and think about and pray for you often.

Debbie said...

Jenny - thanks for sharing how you're doing and how the funeral went. I love all the pictures and the tender words. I cry and smile with you each time I read your blog. I am amazed that you got to meet Andrew's birth mom. What a great blessing! Heavenly Father knows you both and now you know each other! I think of you and Eric often and pray for your comfort. The parking pass is awesome! What a tanglible and well thought out blessing! I love you both so much and have learned from your example.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss :(

But what another blessing in disguise for you family. Your last little baby came to you at just the right moment. Heavenly Father knew you would need to have him to hold during the times you missed holding Andrew the most. What a remarkable family you have. I wish you the best. I must also second the first comment. they are amazing people. Living through the loss of their 18 month old daughter to a drowning accident. I wish your family the very best.

Another LDS Sister

Adam & Brandi said...

Eric and Jenny, you are still in our thoughts and prayers. May you make it through this difficult time. We love you.

The Swansons said...

Eric and Jenny,

Thank you for the pictures and the stories. We have been mourning with you from afar. We pray for your family. In this time of trial, you have only been an inspiration to us. Your family is so beautiful. We've always thought that, and now it is even more so. Please do not hesitate to contact us should you need any service. We love you!

Bryan and Liz

Celeste-N-Wes Crew said...

YOu know, I used to wonder why Joseph and Emma lost so many of their children, and then one day during a lesson or reading about Joseph's trials and suffering in Liberty & Carthage jail and other moments in his life where I thought he was probably lonely, a thought came that he wasn't alone, not only did he have God with him but I had this distinct impression that his children were with him. Keeping him company, giving him comfort with their presence. I have a firm belief that during different times in your life, when you are feeling lonely, or discouraged, or scared, that you will feel the presence of little Andrew with you, and you will have peace and comfort. We miss you guys, it is hard to be away from family when you know they are suffering and you want to let them know that you care- WE CARE, WE LOVE YOU, WE PRAY and THINK of you often. Love Wes & Celeste and the rest of the McKinney Clan